As the election draws near, many 大象传媒sburgh voters are confident in their upcoming decision at the ballot box 鈥 but there is still a large sect of the population that can鈥檛 quite decide between their two options.
The race between Block of Wood and Baby Eater is a contentious one, and their respective campaigns are pulling out all the stops to scrounge up as many undecided voters as they can before election day. From younger students voting on single issues to new parents trying to make their way in today鈥檚 economy, every vote matters in this race that is nearly tied in the polls.
Sophomore economics major Jenny Stork says the issue of abortion is what will decide her vote. Despite Baby Eater鈥檚 more conservative platform, Stork is having a hard time believing he means what he says.
鈥淚 believe in protecting the life of the unborn,鈥 Stork said. 鈥淏aby Eater eats three babies every day, and he strongly opposes abortion because, of course, every baby that鈥檚 aborted is one less baby he can eat.鈥
鈥淲hat Baby Eater does with America鈥檚 babies is none of my business,鈥 she continued, 鈥渂ut I鈥檓 concerned that, down the line, he might start trying to eat fetuses before they鈥檝e been born, and that鈥檚 where I have to draw the line.鈥
Senior linguistics major Arvie Wayde also has his sights set on the future of reproductive rights. Block of Wood鈥檚 PR team has explicitly said that Block of Wood will not eat babies due to its lack of a digestive system, but Wayde is concerned Block of Wood might not do enough to protect a woman鈥檚 right to choose.
鈥淚 just want to see Roe reinstated, and for the past few months, Block of Wood鈥檚 campaign has been begging me for funds to help them restore abortion rights,鈥 Wayde said. 鈥淚 heard from an inside source, though, that once they reach their goal they鈥檙e just gonna intentionally lose both the House and Senate so they have to start all over again.鈥
Only two weeks from the election, some have realized it鈥檚 time to start pledging their allegiances. Jeremy Steel, a previously undecided voter from Sharpsburg, is now leaning toward voting for Baby Eater.
Steel lives with his wife of four years, and they recently had their first child. Despite this, he and his wife are still likely to vote Baby Eater on Election Day.
鈥淚 just like his immigration policy,鈥 Steel said. 鈥淎nd, y鈥檏now, there are a lot of babies out there. Surely he won鈥檛 eat my baby.鈥
On the other side, recent Carnegie Mellon graduate Lawrence Vill, who lives in Shadyside, says he鈥檚 probably going to vote for Block of Wood. Vill didn鈥檛 pay too much attention to politics through college, but he says his friends told him how important this election is and urged him to participate.
鈥淚 like that Block of Wood isn鈥檛 gonna start any wars,鈥 Vill said. 鈥淭hough it isn鈥檛 gonna end any wars either. It also won鈥檛 raise taxes. Or lower them. It鈥檚 kind of a good candidate if you want things to keep going exactly the way they鈥檝e been going.鈥
Vill listed 50 things that Block of Wood would not do while in office. All 50 are listed on Block of Wood鈥檚 campaign website, confirming it would not do any of them.
鈥淚t also won鈥檛 curb our right to free speech,鈥 he continued, 鈥渙r speak at all, since it鈥檚 a Block of Wood. By the way, is that normal? I know I鈥檝e never been too into politics, but I feel like people aren鈥檛 really talking about the fact that our candidate is just a two-by-four from a hardware store.鈥
Both Block of Wood and Baby Eater visited 大象传媒sburgh over the weekend as a last hurrah to win some voters in the swing state. Baby Eater greeted a crowd of a little over 100 people, waving signs that read, 鈥淔earless Leader Baby Eater鈥 and 鈥淢ass Baby Feast Now.鈥
The candidate took the stage to discuss his plan for the future of 大象传媒sburgh鈥檚 infrastructure, affordable housing and the city鈥檚 labor unions. He waved goodbye after final remarks about his intentions for the nation鈥檚 young.
鈥淚鈥檓 going to eat your babies,鈥 he said to an ecstatic, cheering crowd. 鈥淪eriously, it鈥檚 gonna be your baby specifically. It鈥檚 gonna be devastating for you. I鈥檓 not joking 鈥 you鈥檙e gonna get a month, maybe two, with your child, and then I鈥檓 gonna eat it.鈥
Block of Wood was placed onstage in front of a crowd of nearly 200 supporters, all waving signs that read, 鈥淣ice!鈥 Block of Wood didn鈥檛 say anything, but many attendees say it looked pretty confident up there.
Vill says that of all the things Block of Wood won鈥檛 do, he鈥檚 most pleased with its choice not to eat babies. He鈥檚 walking to his polling place with a 鈥渉ey, might as well鈥 attitude.
鈥淚f my friends taught me one thing, it鈥檚 that on November 5, there鈥檚 nothing more powerful than the stroke of a pen,鈥 Vill said. 鈥淪o when I get to that ballot box, I鈥檒l be proud to stroke the Wood.鈥
Thomas Riley was almost eaten back in 鈥03 by Baby Eater鈥檚 father, Baby H.W. Eater. Email them about it at [email protected].听